Let go...

I want to let go, so badly. But I also want to hold on.

Oh wow what a decision, lol.

Lost girls like us...we find our own way in the forest.

The past few months have not been well on me when it comes to guys. One broke my heart, one forgot about me, and one uses me. But the worse part is that all three still want to keep me around, stringing me along. And the WORST part is that I hold on to the string and let them do this to me.

Like honestly, how would you feel if the guy that chased after you, talked to you first, confessed his love for you, was with you in the most serious relationship you've ever had despite what others say, after 2 years, tells you that he loves you less now than he did two years ago.

I feel worthless. I really do. It's not that I don't realize i'm letting others form my opinion about who I am. It just...sucks, y'know. Getting comments like that. Especially from the one guy you thought wouldn't do that to you: make you feel worthless.

And now I hate going to my blog cause his pictures are just a few posts down.

Nothing better to do.

It's hard to get back into a normal sleeping cycle once you're used to staying up till...7-8 in the morning. But I hate waking up at 2 pm everyday, I miss half of the day, for...idk? I don't even remember the shit I do while staying up, lol.

So right now i'm just gonna write a short description of how my life is going so far;

I'm currently on my first semester break in uni. USM is...okay I guess. After a few months of staying there only do I realise what my mom meant about it being easier for me to stay there. I didn't feel this way until I got a car, and driving back and forth to class plus slowly learning how to drive to other places gives me the freedom to go wherever I wanted to. Classes are okay too. Basically, I have one studio subject (which means coursework all semester) and 5 other subjects (Building Construction, Built Environment & Human Settlement, Construction Economics, Environmental Science & Ethnic Relations). The studio subject takes most of my time throughout the semester. Late nights at the studio, no shower or sleep the day before submission, group works, money spent on materials then watching them get recycled or thrown away after exhibition day. Then the moment exams come in, I have no idea what i've been learning in the other classes. So basically I relearned everything in a short night before exams. Kinda anxious about my results.

I'm not too happy about my course in USM at the moment, but i'll give it another try and hopefully see a change in the next few semesters. I doubt i'll change courses/uni for my degree. Complications in my life don't work well with my parents. I'm supposed to be the "simple" kid in the family. No big decisions, no big choices, no risks, everything is safe and controlled. If it keeps them happy, okay.

Things with Allen are going okay as well. We hit a rough patch after September when he had to cancel his plans to come here due to passport problems. It got worse when I entered uni and he got into college, cause we barely had time for each other, so communication was a bit down. We're working on it now, and i'm hoping for the best. We both have problems we don't tell each other, so the process is going slowly.

Haha, got some shocking news today from a friend in SA. He's the only other couple I know that both sides live on opposite ends. His girlfriend lives in Ireland. They've met though, and they're both much older than us. Just found out today though that they're gonna have a baby together. Kinda hit me in the face about my own relationship (lol God no i'm not gonna have a baby straightaway with Allen) but yeah, makes things seem more real.

As usual, thinking about what to do during the holidays. Something that doesn't interfere with whatever my mom has planned for me that I don't know of yet. My family has this way of making me feel guilty for making any sort of plans without them. Makes me feel kinda depressed that I don't have the option of just going off on a one week trip to Paris/London/anywhere out of the blue. But i'm sure i'll have that chance in the future. For now I should just appreciate the time I have with my family. :)

Other than that, blah blah blah. Cold night alone with my thoughts. That's about it for now, taa!

How...

How can she say that...? How can she say that she's just doing what i've been doing to her all this while, and that she's finally doing what she wants instead of having to please everybody.

Is it my fault as a daughter...? Is it true that I don't respond to her when she tries to talk to me, that I pull out my phone at the dinner table, that I am emotionally unavailable when she needs me?

I thought I was doing a good job...

Tonight...

I felt it. At 1 am. I felt. I heard the sound of slight rain, and while I was on my laptop, I felt and saw a shadow pass by. Wallahualam.

But due to my own weakness and stupidity, I missed it. I ignored the signs. I missed my chance. Lailatul Qadr, I may never get another.

Forgive me, ya Allah SWT.

Simply Islam.

It's quite rare for me to do a post like this, considering very few read my blog (and by very few, I mean only Amelia and Onion, lol.) and the majority (all) of my readers are non-muslim. But that's okay, because i'm a reader of my own blog, so this also serves as a reminder for me.

I think a lot of people have this impression that Islam is a very complicated religion, with lots of rules regulations. Fact is, if it wasn't, would you believe it? Of course Islam has a lot of rules and regulations, it has to cover a wide range of topics, because after all, it's religion. And what kind of religion would it be if it couldn't help you with life? If it couldn't give you answers and guide you in situations?

Anyway, let's push that aside. As always, it's only as complicated as you want it to be. Fact is, a Muslim really only has to do 5 things in their entire life:

1) Pronounce syahadah.

2) Pray the compulsary 5 prayers every day.

3) Fast during Ramadhan.

4) Pay zakat.

5) Pilgrimage to Mecca.

Only these 5 things, and you're set. Besides of course being an overall good person. It's that simple.

12th day

There's something I find I have to keep reminding myself over and over again, and that is to stop trying to impress people.

I feel like almost everyday I have to prove myself to someone, that I have to do something that's gonna make people go "wow" and "omg that's awesome!", and that their excitement or approval will bring me happiness and self-satisfaction.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I actually do anything impressive. On the contrary, I do the exact opposite, and spend my days lazing around and spacing out. It's actually hard for me to even concentrate on a thought for more than 5 minutes nowadays. If you asked my family, they'd tell you i've been relaxing and getting a good rest.

At the end of the day though, I still feel tired, rejected, restless, unsatisfied, and ultimately, pathetic. It's weird that i'd feel this way, because I actually WANT to relax, I WANT to take a break and I WANT to get a good rest. I feel I deserve to after a long hard year in matriculation. But the sad fact is that I still hold on to that need to impress people, so I end up constantly worrying if i'm doing enough or not.

And what happens? I waste time. I only have less than a month away before resuming my studies, and I felt like I haven't done anything in the past few months, whether it's doing something impressive, or getting a nice long break for myself.

Anyway, the point is, you shouldn't feel like you have to impress anyone. The only one you should really try to impress is God, and even He says it's okay if you feel tired and need a break. You should only do something if it's what you want, and no, wanting to impress people because you think their approval is what you REALLY want, doesn't count. Actually i've even stopped reading novels for almost a year now because there was no point to it. Everytime I picked up a book it always felt like I was doing it just to show off that I read thick-ass books that contain deep and thought-provoking subjects, and not just because I really wanted to read a good book.

So to conclude: don't force yourself. Do something because you want to, you feel it's right, and you're happy to do it. Pray because you want to thank and feel connected to Him, not because you are scared people will judge you. Study because you wanna learn something and understand the wonders of it, not because if you don't, someone will get a higher score than you. And live happily, cause you don't wanna be that sad, jealous person that sits in the corner of a room wishing things were better. Honestly, there's someone out there jealous of you.