die die die.

35
days left till SPM.

Best of luck.

So based on the online SPM schedule (which I hope is already confirmed and correct), SPM starts on the 18th of November, 2009. From the first paper till the last paper (chemistry D:) it will take about 20 days. For me, I am taking 11 subjects, and have exactly 11 days where i'm actually taking a paper.

11, stress-filled, suicidal days.

Read this somewhere, again quoting something I like.

"However, I shall depart a small nugget of somewhat philosophical wisdom: What if it is not God that makes this horrible things happen, but Satan?
Or that it's not God that is doing a fucking awful job of stopping them from happening, but us giving into the bad things and paying the price?
God gives us a choice, maybe it's just that our choices have a great amount of impact on the world, so even if it is one douchebag fucking things over and not paying the price, he's fucking up others.
It's not fair, but Satan is a mysterious and dangerous being. And goddamn sexy, too. None of this goaty pitchfork wielding fuckwit; you wouldn't give in to temptation if it wasn't good lookin'."

Idk about you, but makes sense to me.

WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS

New grade of A+ for SPM

By KAREN CHAPMAN

PETALING JAYA: A new grading system for the Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia (SPM) will be implemented from this year.

Education director-general Tan Sri Alimuddin Mohd Dom said the change would provide a detailed breakdown of excellent candidates who obtained grade As in the examination.

“The change means there will now be a new grade of A+. Previously, the highest grade possible in the SPM was 1A,” he said in a statement yesterday.

Under the present system, students are graded as 1A, 2A, 3B, 4B, 5C, 6C, 7D, 8E and 9G while the new grades would be from A+ to G (see chart).

Alimuddin said the change was based on feedback from various quarters that the existing system did not provide a more detailed breakdown of excellent students.

“The change in the grading system will enable more qualified candidates to be chosen for training programmes and new scholarships, such as the one announced by the Prime Minister recently,” he said.

Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak said in June that a new category of Public Services Department scholarships would be introduced next year based purely on merit, regardless of race.

Alimuddin said the Cabinet approved the change in the grading system last month.

“This will not affect the examination at all as it only involves a change in the grades given,” he said.

He said school principals have been directed to explain the new grading system to students sitting for the SPM this year.

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WHY DID THEY ANNOUNCE THIS SO LATE D: thi- this this. I don't want to see a negative sign on my slip. '-' NO NEGEATIVE SIGN NO NONOJFOFEWhuwefhuurefh

Adilla's open house.

Went to Adilla's house yesterday at 7:30 pm (yeah Syariz we were late, cause my mom had work and she was my only transport xD). Lotsa food, Yemen food? D: what? Still tasted good anyway. I didn't eat much though since I ate a lot at a kenduri earlier that day. The hotdogs were yummy though :p

After that went straight upstairs to look at Adilla's room. xD I saw Ashley's 'Ashley was here' on the white board. So I added 'Alisa was here too' >D

Omg Adilla has so many medals it's crazy D: neatly susun'd on top of her cupboard, pics on facebook. Haha.

OH and Adilla's youngest brother, Adam, 6 years old. SO CUTE I wanted to videotape him. But alas, Ian does not take videos, only pictures. So the album is full of his pictures LOL.

Stayed till 10 something :0 sorry for disturbing your family till so late, Dilla xD thanks again for inviting mua and my family.

What's distracting me? - Part 3

So we're back. In the previous previous post I explained how it felt like to be emotionless. |: yesterday I had a conversation with Syariz about this whole issue. I think...something I realized (again, because I know i've realized this over and over but I keep forgetting) is that faith is something important.

Faith is that magic we feel.

To not feel any emotion is to not engage in the world around you. That might be easy for the people over there (lol i'm talking about Americans) cause...y'know. There isn't much of a culture. Not like in Malaysia. There's too much culture here, too many feelings to feel.

You can't just throw it all away when it's being thrown AT you everyday. Like I said on fb, why deny the obvious just because it's obvious? Just because the answer seems so clear, crisp and finely drawn and cut out for you to see, why must we deny it because we're afraid to be labelled as a 'follower' not an independent being?

Call it social brainwashing if you want. It's just something I can't live without.

:)

"Kalau aku cakap itu cinta pandang pertama mungkin kamu cakap ianya agak klise. Entah. Macam aku cakap, aku tak reti nak explain. Tapi rasa itu memang sangat istimewa. Oh ya... ianya macam... dalam hati kau tiba-tiba ada sekebun pokok bunga mekar kembang dengan serentak siap ada embun dengan disinari matahari pagi dan dialun dengan bunyian indah kicauan burung. Entah. Mungkin begitulah kot."

Quoted from another blog. Smiled when I read it.

Agak klise.

What's distracting me? - Part 2

Here we are, part 2. I divided this topic into a few posts because I need some thinking time in between, and I need to have that feeling of achievement, so I click 'Publish Post' everytime I finish a part.

Heh, feel. What is to feel, really? Isn't even feeling something considered non-scientific? To believe in something that does not exist? So when a scientist feels achievement and success in discovering something new...is that a really scientific thing to do?

It's just so complicated, isn't it? I wonder if anyone is surprised at the sudden turn of genre my posts have become. From school events and wondrous happy occasions to...thoughts of life and religion? I have to keep typing or else I'll forget everything. What did you think when you read the previous post? Were one of your thoughts along the line of..."traitor, why do you question things that are good for you? Why do you question Allah and the Quran?" or..."Oi, why are you thinking about this nonsense? SPM is near" or..."That's because you're a FOOL".

I'll tell you why i'm talking about this. It's because this is what's distracting me.

I don't know how many of you actually listened to what the motivator had to say today, or how many even came to school for the talk, even. But I did (because lol, I had to sit right in front of him and that actually made me concentrate on what he was saying. Was initially planning to sleep or read throughout the talk) and he said something about how distractions will take you away from the main goal. Of course, he was talking about tv, sms, internet. Y'know the drill. Basic stuff. But he was also talking about issues, things that bothered the mind, because in the end how you choose to use your mind and what state it is in is what determines your attitude in facing your exams. So I wondered what was distracting me? And it struck me that this was it.

I have no one to talk to about this besides googling stuff on the internet (which I admit does not really make my actions sound very logical, but bare with me).

What I tell you is based on personal experience alone. Do not judge me, because I am only searching and asking questions. I am only dealing with what I have to deal so that I too can face the exam with a...satisfied mind. :)

So what did it feel like, living without God, or the idea of God, even, for 5 days?

I will admit. It was horrible.

I know i've always joked/talked about how i'm emotionless, but for once, I really did feel emotionless. Every laughter felt empty, every heavy heart felt fake. Cause I kept thinking that I was causing myself to do it. What's the fun in that? Okay, imagine that you are having a birthday, and you consider it a special ocassion, so you throw yourself your own birthday party and buy yourself gifts you always wanted. You are now, happy.

But it doesn't feel right doesn't it? Birthdays are a celebration of when you entered this world, celebrating why you should have, why it's such a good thing, because you've made others feel happy, because you've affected others so much, that they're celebrating it with you. It's what others have made you felt. It's how others can too, make you happy because you've made them happy.

So, apply that concept to the controlling of emotions. What's the fun in knowing that you've caused those emotions yourself, and not the people/things around you? Where is the magic, as I will call it, in realizing that you can be as happy as you want or as sad as you want, without the need of anyone/anything else? What's better, looking at a flower and feeling happy because it's so pretty, or looking at a flower and feeling happy because you choose to because you think it's pretty?

Did you feel the loss of magic when you read that?

What's distracting me? - Part 1

Hola readers. (I'll say readers for once, because I don't actually know if it's just my friends reading ;0)

We had a Majlis Mohon Restu thing at school today. It's an event where students are supposed to like, ask for their teacher's blessing for the ilmu they've been given, basically collecting luck and approval for PMR/SPM/STPM. I was reluctant to go at first, seeing as this new lifestyle i'm trying out doesn't believe in the existence of things like 'luck' and 'blessings'. Like, once you get knowledge, no one can take it back. So why ask for approval from someone? Why do you ask for them to "halalkan" the knowledge, when it's already given to you and stuck inside your head? What is this nonsense?

Yes, this new lifestyle i'm trying out has ridden all sense of faith and hope from me. It's just me, science and what is here and now. I will tell you straight out, what i've been doing for the past 5 days. I tried living life without believing in the existance of God. I did not pray, did not believe in things without any proof of it, controlled my emotions, and only saw how things were at that time, through my eyes, and through only what I know.

I started viewing things from a different angle. It was surprising, actually. Seeing things from another perspective, one where there is no such thing as a God. You'll start noticing a few things. For example, like how the school tries to brainwash you into believeing God through religious songs and chants played on the morning radio, or prayers spoken on the PA system, when in fact half the school doesn't even know what it means. And another thing is that why only Islamic prayers? Why not any other religion like Hindu and Christianity etc.? Is the school scared that the Muslim students might convert to another religion?

The second thing I did was control my emotions. Your emotions are basically caused by chemicals in your body, your body, your body, your body which is already something you control. So all those over-dramatic blurts and expression of emotions is never spontaneous, it's just cause you felt like doing it. Because you thought that you couldn't control it, and you thought things were going out of control, so you get angry, or sad, and you let the emotions control you. You let your own cells control you. No, the mind is a powerful thing. What you thought is what caused how your body reacts. Right? (this was something that the motivater said today). So whenever I felt sad, I stopped it. Whenever I felt happy, I stopped it too. Because..well, why should I feel happy or sad? When it is in fact something that I can control, and not caused by anything other than myself? I choose to be happy or sad?

And whenever I achieved something, be it good or bad, I thought of it as a result of my own effort. No help from any unknown being (i.e. God) or through some stroke of luck. My own hard work, my own actions that I chose to do, the feelings I chose to feel and the things I chose to see, hear and know. All mine, caused by only me, and consequences felt by only me.

...

And I will tell you, my friend. It is a harsh world to live in.