Let go...

I want to let go, so badly. But I also want to hold on.

Oh wow what a decision, lol.

Lost girls like us...we find our own way in the forest.

The past few months have not been well on me when it comes to guys. One broke my heart, one forgot about me, and one uses me. But the worse part is that all three still want to keep me around, stringing me along. And the WORST part is that I hold on to the string and let them do this to me.

Like honestly, how would you feel if the guy that chased after you, talked to you first, confessed his love for you, was with you in the most serious relationship you've ever had despite what others say, after 2 years, tells you that he loves you less now than he did two years ago.

I feel worthless. I really do. It's not that I don't realize i'm letting others form my opinion about who I am. It just...sucks, y'know. Getting comments like that. Especially from the one guy you thought wouldn't do that to you: make you feel worthless.

And now I hate going to my blog cause his pictures are just a few posts down.

Nothing better to do.

It's hard to get back into a normal sleeping cycle once you're used to staying up till...7-8 in the morning. But I hate waking up at 2 pm everyday, I miss half of the day, for...idk? I don't even remember the shit I do while staying up, lol.

So right now i'm just gonna write a short description of how my life is going so far;

I'm currently on my first semester break in uni. USM is...okay I guess. After a few months of staying there only do I realise what my mom meant about it being easier for me to stay there. I didn't feel this way until I got a car, and driving back and forth to class plus slowly learning how to drive to other places gives me the freedom to go wherever I wanted to. Classes are okay too. Basically, I have one studio subject (which means coursework all semester) and 5 other subjects (Building Construction, Built Environment & Human Settlement, Construction Economics, Environmental Science & Ethnic Relations). The studio subject takes most of my time throughout the semester. Late nights at the studio, no shower or sleep the day before submission, group works, money spent on materials then watching them get recycled or thrown away after exhibition day. Then the moment exams come in, I have no idea what i've been learning in the other classes. So basically I relearned everything in a short night before exams. Kinda anxious about my results.

I'm not too happy about my course in USM at the moment, but i'll give it another try and hopefully see a change in the next few semesters. I doubt i'll change courses/uni for my degree. Complications in my life don't work well with my parents. I'm supposed to be the "simple" kid in the family. No big decisions, no big choices, no risks, everything is safe and controlled. If it keeps them happy, okay.

Things with Allen are going okay as well. We hit a rough patch after September when he had to cancel his plans to come here due to passport problems. It got worse when I entered uni and he got into college, cause we barely had time for each other, so communication was a bit down. We're working on it now, and i'm hoping for the best. We both have problems we don't tell each other, so the process is going slowly.

Haha, got some shocking news today from a friend in SA. He's the only other couple I know that both sides live on opposite ends. His girlfriend lives in Ireland. They've met though, and they're both much older than us. Just found out today though that they're gonna have a baby together. Kinda hit me in the face about my own relationship (lol God no i'm not gonna have a baby straightaway with Allen) but yeah, makes things seem more real.

As usual, thinking about what to do during the holidays. Something that doesn't interfere with whatever my mom has planned for me that I don't know of yet. My family has this way of making me feel guilty for making any sort of plans without them. Makes me feel kinda depressed that I don't have the option of just going off on a one week trip to Paris/London/anywhere out of the blue. But i'm sure i'll have that chance in the future. For now I should just appreciate the time I have with my family. :)

Other than that, blah blah blah. Cold night alone with my thoughts. That's about it for now, taa!

How...

How can she say that...? How can she say that she's just doing what i've been doing to her all this while, and that she's finally doing what she wants instead of having to please everybody.

Is it my fault as a daughter...? Is it true that I don't respond to her when she tries to talk to me, that I pull out my phone at the dinner table, that I am emotionally unavailable when she needs me?

I thought I was doing a good job...

Tonight...

I felt it. At 1 am. I felt. I heard the sound of slight rain, and while I was on my laptop, I felt and saw a shadow pass by. Wallahualam.

But due to my own weakness and stupidity, I missed it. I ignored the signs. I missed my chance. Lailatul Qadr, I may never get another.

Forgive me, ya Allah SWT.

Simply Islam.

It's quite rare for me to do a post like this, considering very few read my blog (and by very few, I mean only Amelia and Onion, lol.) and the majority (all) of my readers are non-muslim. But that's okay, because i'm a reader of my own blog, so this also serves as a reminder for me.

I think a lot of people have this impression that Islam is a very complicated religion, with lots of rules regulations. Fact is, if it wasn't, would you believe it? Of course Islam has a lot of rules and regulations, it has to cover a wide range of topics, because after all, it's religion. And what kind of religion would it be if it couldn't help you with life? If it couldn't give you answers and guide you in situations?

Anyway, let's push that aside. As always, it's only as complicated as you want it to be. Fact is, a Muslim really only has to do 5 things in their entire life:

1) Pronounce syahadah.

2) Pray the compulsary 5 prayers every day.

3) Fast during Ramadhan.

4) Pay zakat.

5) Pilgrimage to Mecca.

Only these 5 things, and you're set. Besides of course being an overall good person. It's that simple.

12th day

There's something I find I have to keep reminding myself over and over again, and that is to stop trying to impress people.

I feel like almost everyday I have to prove myself to someone, that I have to do something that's gonna make people go "wow" and "omg that's awesome!", and that their excitement or approval will bring me happiness and self-satisfaction.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I actually do anything impressive. On the contrary, I do the exact opposite, and spend my days lazing around and spacing out. It's actually hard for me to even concentrate on a thought for more than 5 minutes nowadays. If you asked my family, they'd tell you i've been relaxing and getting a good rest.

At the end of the day though, I still feel tired, rejected, restless, unsatisfied, and ultimately, pathetic. It's weird that i'd feel this way, because I actually WANT to relax, I WANT to take a break and I WANT to get a good rest. I feel I deserve to after a long hard year in matriculation. But the sad fact is that I still hold on to that need to impress people, so I end up constantly worrying if i'm doing enough or not.

And what happens? I waste time. I only have less than a month away before resuming my studies, and I felt like I haven't done anything in the past few months, whether it's doing something impressive, or getting a nice long break for myself.

Anyway, the point is, you shouldn't feel like you have to impress anyone. The only one you should really try to impress is God, and even He says it's okay if you feel tired and need a break. You should only do something if it's what you want, and no, wanting to impress people because you think their approval is what you REALLY want, doesn't count. Actually i've even stopped reading novels for almost a year now because there was no point to it. Everytime I picked up a book it always felt like I was doing it just to show off that I read thick-ass books that contain deep and thought-provoking subjects, and not just because I really wanted to read a good book.

So to conclude: don't force yourself. Do something because you want to, you feel it's right, and you're happy to do it. Pray because you want to thank and feel connected to Him, not because you are scared people will judge you. Study because you wanna learn something and understand the wonders of it, not because if you don't, someone will get a higher score than you. And live happily, cause you don't wanna be that sad, jealous person that sits in the corner of a room wishing things were better. Honestly, there's someone out there jealous of you.

#2

Greeted every morning with a smile or a silly face. Or a combo. "Good morning beautiful".

Normally i'd grunt and turn away from the laptop light, and go back to sleep. Lol.

#1

 

I wish I look like this when I sleep. Unfortunately, I usually have my mouth wide open (for catching flies), arms and legs spread out over the bed, and a little drool  (little = lot ) to compliment. Not a sight for the weak-hearted.

Good thing he's seen all this, and he's cool with it.

It's been a hectic week...in my mind.

As usual, my brain feels like it's cluttered with all these "to-do's" and I feel like i'm sinking in them. I also know it's my fault for not being organized in the first place, fact is i'm too lazy to. I could start with actually cleaning my room, because half of it is cluttered with stuff that have their rightful place, i'm just not putting it there. I put it on the floor. In addition to that, I have Sugar's new cage also taking up space. Thinking about finally returning USM their office chair and disassembling that table, so I can have the cage next to my bed.

I have posts coming up about my family holiday to Singapore, and about Sugar! My new baby. (It does feel that way) Hopefully after i've settled all the paperwork for JPA scholarship which I probably won't get cause it's obvious my family can afford my tuition, and USM, I can start on those posts.

Truthfully, I feel like we no longer have time to have heart-to-heart talks. So I decided that this blog will be the only way to let you guys know how i've been. No matter how silly, I will try my best to write it here, because now that the link's changed, I don't have to worry about family reading this haha. (To be safe though, if you are reading this, don't tell me).

Negativity.

Alright, i'll admit it. My holidays aren't going as well and as fun as I thought it'd be. Sure, I got 4 months off. Also means 4 months of free time. It's my own fault for not planning properly. I kept using the excuse that my parents are busy and I can't go anywhere without them. Total bull, I should be old enough to travel on my own. Lol, should be. Truth is I don't even trust myself. I get lost easily, I'm not "street smart". I get nervous around certain people and I don't have enough will power to put myself in any of these conditions. So for the past 2 1/2 months, i've been staying at home a lot, more than recommended. I have cabin fever.

At this moment, currently, i'm feeling very stressed out. My baby sugar glider is acting a bit strangely, that is she's sleeping in weird places in her cage and refuses to sleep in her pouch or house. I have been staying up till 7 am every night for the past week to play with her and for bonding time. Unfortunately the only time she decides to wake up and play is when I usually skype with Allen, so the schedule clashes. I end up not being able to pay attention to both parties. I'm also worried because it's pretty obvious I haven't done enough research before getting her. I haven't found a good vet for her, haven't bought her the proper supplements and vitamins. I need to go to a proper pet store but there aren't any in seberang, as far as I know. Should really start picking up the courage to drive :/ but parents take the car to work. Up till now i'm still not sure if the car is mine, lol.

*sigh* and because i've been sleeping at 7 am every morning, I wake up at 1-2 pm. Today I woke up close to 3 pm. With half the day gone, and horrible sleep because of the hot weather, I'm not exactly pumped up for activities. I also have to feed the cats, clean the house, do laundry if possible. My parents come home around 7 pm. We go out for dinner, they shower and continue with work (yeah my house is now their second office) and then go to bed. I usually get really exhausted by 10 pm, and wake back up close to midnight, right before my parents go to bed.

Worrying about uni is also another matter. I've accepted the offer to USM, after a period of arguing and lots of crying (on my part, anyway) with my mum. Apparently i'm not good enough for anything else. A CGPA of 4.00 doesn't do much. I screwed up with my spm and I don't deserve anywhere else.
And about my living arrangements in USM. Can I take my glider there? I've always been planning to hide it but what if the warden does constant check-ups? And can I really take her to classes? She's still young and untrained. I'm also worried about choosing such a far dorm from my building. Granted, all of the dorms are far from my faculty because my faculty's on the top of a hill -.-; but at least I could still walk. Of course living in the dorm outside, I will have the car and I can drive there, no problem. The problem is how am I going to find parking? And wouldn't it look a little snobbish for me to drive there? -.- as if my social problem isn't bad enough already. I wanted to ride a motorcycle instead, but my parents won't let me :/

Funny, I thought my parents (mum, especially) wanted me to go to USM so that it's easier for them to help me with anything. So far...eh, no comment. I know they want me to learn to be independent and handle myself. I just don't want them breathing on my neck every step of the way, which is probably how it's going to be since i'll be in USM with them and they'll have eyes everywhere, watching every mistake I make. Extra pressure, hooray! I don't mind making mistakes, I just don't want them judging every move I make...

July...well for those reading and knew what was supposed to happen in July, it's been postponed to late October. Second month in uni...idk how i'm going to handle it. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see him. I'm just really scared I can't keep up. He's already having a pretty hard time with his conditions at the moment, trying to make money and save it. It's been a while since I got to spend quality time with him, as he's always in college or a restaurant now to get wifi. I don't know what the plan is...it's always changing. I really want this to work but it's so complicated...

Well, that's about it I guess. As much as I'd like to reveal in public, anyway...
Until next time, taa, loves.

I miss youuuuuuuu!

I miss meeting you guys in school :( spending 8 hours a day together was fun xD not having to worry about who to tumpang back after queensbay or if someone has other plans and can't make it. Now we barely get to see each other. I think I haven't talked to Rachel in months D: and Krystal! But for some reason sabs, melia and kelly look less unreachable cause they have their blogs and fb etc. xD I can stalk them everyday!

*sigh* Point: I miss those days. But I know we haven't forgotten each other. :D Loveee!

 

This pic was made and used for my matriks I.T. assignment once xD labelled under 'Friends'. ♥

._.

I will stay loyal to this blog. I WILL! While the idea of having a tumblr of my own is tempting, I know i'll eventually abandon this blog, and then eventually tumblr, like how I abandon everything else. I can't erase this blog though, it's chock full of memories.

I'll go hunting for some nice templates, then I'll work on restarting this blog again. Cheers!

We all have that fear sometimes. Do our parents really love us?

Homg.

How am I going to redesign the blog >_>; wtf I forgot how.

6 Nov.

I think the legs on that statue were carved beautifully.

Ignore the idiot trying to look up the statue's skirt.

Anyway, not in a very happy mood lately. When i'm unhappy I don't like to blog as much, cause it'll make me look like a whiney brat. Idc though, just have no idea what to talk about.

365 x 18...what do you get?

So i'm not officially 18 yet until it's around 6 pm, but who cares. I have ice cream cake + ice cream in the fridge :D I am a happy 18 year old.

Every birthday my mom would recall back the day she gave birth to me. She said on that day, she could just feel that I was about to come out. So she was like "Hmm, rasanya it's time to beranakkan Alisa". So she just got up and went to the clinic lol. Her doctor was all "hmm, okay we'll wait till she's ready" and sat down next to her and read the newspaper while both of them waited for me to decide to come out. Then suddenly...'plup' (actual sound effect from mom) I popped out :D

Mom also always noted that dad wasn't there in the room, cause he's scared of the blood. Dad always retorts by saying "bapak cool je hari tu".

So yeah, 18 years later and i'm still here. I'm blessed and fortunate to have lived a good life till today, and hopefully for many more years. What does being 18 mean though? ._. does it mean I can't get away with stuff anymore? Does it mean i'm legal to watch movies that i've actually already been watching? lolol. No not porn, all those 18+ movies with the gore/politics/secks/violence. ;0

I suppose 18 means that it's time to grow up. I kinda don't wanna, and I know no one's pressuring me to do so. So i'm gonna take it slow and easy, and grow up little by little, at my own pace. What's the point in rushing anyway, it's not like I can grow a moustache.

...maybe I can. HNGGGHHHHHHHH. *looks in mirror*

nah I can't.

I wanna thank my family for giving me the life I had, still have and am going to. My friends, everyone's that's been in my life at one point or another. You've all made me. All of you.

PS: Matriculation still sucks. Love you all!

Matriculation - 4 months.

I stand corrected. Matriculation is tough.

Don't get me wrong, the syllabus is pretty okay. As a physical science student (Jurusan Sains Fizikal) I only have to take Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics and English (with a few minor subjects; Kemahiran Dinamika, IT, Agama and also Co-Curriculum. But for the first semester I'm only learning KD and IT. I'll take the other 2 in my second semester).

I suppose the reason why I find it tough is because of the new lifestyle I have to live. I have to adjust to living in a dorm, being 2 hours away from friends, and not to mention Kedah's specialty >_> the week starts on Sunday-Thursday.

To give you a proper picture of what my life in matriculation has been like, lemme list down my daily schedule.

------------------------------------------------------
6:30 am - wake up. Shower, pray, get dressed.

7:45 am - Leave my room on the 3rd floor (whooooohooo 8 flights of stairs) to go to class.

8:00 am - Classes

12-1 pm - Break for lunch and prayers.

1-4 pm - Classes

4 pm onwards - freeeeeee. Unless if I have extra classes. Pretty rare though considering I have really nice lecturers. But after classes I usually settle anything I need like MIS, buy notes, sending in assignments or visit lecturers blah blah so I usually get back to the room around...

5 pm - prayers, homework, short nap : DDDDDDDDD

7 pm - shower, pray, dinner, moar homework, study

1/2 am (usually) - sleep.

*Lather, Rinse & Repeat.
------------------------------------------------------------

So yeah, while I don't ALWAYS have full classes from 8-4, maybe with one hour breaks in between, those are usually spent with homework, or nomnom time. As you can see, there isn't much fun included. What about weekends, you ask? Lolol. Well, at Kolej Matrikulasi Kedah, girls can only go for outings (as in, legally leave campus for a few hours) on Fridays. Boys on Saturdays. You can't wear jeans or normal clothes. Only attire allowed is either baju kurung, or the hideously over-size yellow/purple KMK shirt.

There aren't many places to go anyway. Since Kedah imo is already dull as it is, Changlun is like...man it's even more secluded than Kepala Batas. The nearest fast food restaurant is MARRYBROWN. But when you're desperate, Marrybrown is like heaven sent. I particularly like the Fish & Chips, cause for some reason the cafeteria for my dorm doesn't serve much fish. Desperado.

So basically the closest and cheapest place you can go to for supplies is C-mart (yes, Changlun-mart). RM1 per person by taxi to get there. Surprisingly it has a watson's store haha. There's like a supermarket in it, and then upstairs they sell clothes, computer stuff, even broadband. So you can pretty much get anything you need there. xD

When you leave or enter campus, you need to scan in your student card. Remember that MIS thing I mentioned earlier? It stands for Matriculation Information System. It's supposed to help them keep track of all the students but yeah it has it's flaws which I won't mention right now or else this post will double in length srsly I bet you're already getting tired of reading lolol.

So anyway, to go home, you need to apply for it first. Go to any of the computers on campus and fill in a form online. Check the next day if your application's been approved by one of the campus wardens. If it is, then you can go home. But ONLY after 4 pm, not one minute earlier. (lol apparently the MIS website can only be accessed through the comps on campus connected to their own private server to avoid being hacked. Total bull, you can access it anywhere). So yeah, you have to come back before 7 pm too, on any day. Scan in 1 minute later and your card will be blocked for 30 days. As in you won't be allowed to leave campus for 30 days. 30 DAAAAAYSSSS.

Oh and the guards suck too. They're so mean and irrational. 11 pm you have to be at your dorm. If they catch you anywhere on the ground, you'll get this annoying angry face from them, and they'll follow you around on their bikes while yelling at you. Another new wonderful rule from pengarah, is that strangers aren't allowed on campus, parents included. This means that if you wanna go home, you have to meet them at the front gate. You have to carry all your stuff from the dorm and walk over to the front gate. Parents aren't allowed to drive in and pick their kids up at the dorm. Trust me, it's not a short walk.

Food is quite okay. I spend about RM11 a day on food. Showers in our bathrooms don't have shower heads. So every morning shower is like a nice cold punch to the face to make you wake up. Main lights have to be turned off at midnight. If you wanna study, you're supposed to use the small study light provided. Thing is, the beds near the windows don't have any study lights, which is where my bed is. So when I first registered at the dorm, I told them I didn't have any study light (it was on this checklist thing we were given). They told me that I can bring my own. So I did. Haha guess what? A few weeks later we had a spot check, and one of the wardens wanted to confiscate my lamp because they said it wasn't allowed. wth man. I wasn't in the room atm though so they only took a pic of it as evidence.

meh, they never checked back to see if I got rid of it anyway.

So all of this + the fact that campus is haunted considering it's so close to Thailand, my life there is pretty stressed. Stressed from the fact that I know I have to do really well cause it's only 1 year and it's another chance for me to redeem myself. Stressed cause I can't be too stressed or else certain 'things' will come bother me ;_; Stressed cause I know I can't spend time with everyone, and when I come home on weekends I can only go out with people on Fridays, but everyone's busy. Stressed cause when I go home, I have to divide my time for everyone and everything but myself. So sometimes it's just better if I stay on campus.

Basically, I wanna apologize, guys. I know I haven't been able to come to all your parties, celebrate all your birthdays, or even talk as often as we used to. My mind's just set on really doing well this year, this short 12 months, and this might mean being separated from Penang, my old life and all it's wonders D: it sucks, really but I have no choice. If I don't spend my time thinking about homework I spend it on worrying about how this is affecting my relationships with people (family, friends, ...etc.)

I LOVE YOU ALL STILL K ILY

PS: lol finally an update after months. Long-ass post.

Fact is..

my blog is being spammed by chinese characters e_e I need to make it private. And I know I haven't even been updating but to keep it clean from spam >.> ...yeah, gotta do this.

Later, though. Super lazy.

Errr, so...

I know I promised a few new posts and updates but...

*runs at the speed of light*