☼ Pochlisa!

My mind feels like a ball of dust with bits and pieces sticking to it right now. Y'know, dry and dusty but with so many things tangled to it that you just can't bother figuring out.

I don't think I can handle having three bad Thursdays in a row. Last week, on the 25th of February, after actually having fun at driving school, I found out that my grandmother passed away. I still haven't gotten over her death, I kinda just pushed it to the back of my mind. But whenever I close my eyes and fall asleep it comes back in the form of nightmares. I'll talk about this later, going to make a special post specially for her.

Today, 4th of March, I finally picked up the courage to go back for another lesson. I felt off today, distracted. Which of course resulted in bad driving. Really bad driving. That coupled with today being my first pre-test, it's safe to say I had a shitty day.

Idk maybe i'm just being too sensitive. But I really patah semangat after today's lesson. I didn't get my usual instructor, Ramesh. He's super nice. For pre tests I have to drive with a Melati school instructor. I got the same guy who gave the 3 hour speech. This Malay man who likes to wear a kopiah. The moment I got into the car I was already nervous as hell considering I wasn't wearing a tudung, and my hair is freshly dyed ._. but ch'yeah. Anyway.

Even turning out of the driving school was horrendous. I had no courage to drive out with all those cars and trucks passing by. He was expecting me to selit somewhere in between the gas-carrying lorries D: I was waiting for a HUGE GAP. Yeah so anyway, gear change was horrible. Couldn't control my speed. One minute he says i'm too far from the car in front and the next he says i'm too close. I made the engine die a gazillion times too, because I couldn't control the clutch and gas pedals properly (like I said, felt off today). It died everywhere you can possibly imagine. He kept pointing out to me how 5 other people drove the car before me and none of them made the engine die even once. ~_~ "Ni mai drive, asyik mati ja. Apa kena ni? Drive camana ni?"

At one point it died right before the traffic light turned red again lol. I missed the green light. So he goes "Mati lagi. Ni bila hampa turn nak masuk jalan satgi, enjin mesti mati lagi skali. Hampa tengokla, mesti mati punya. Pasal asyik salah tekan. Tengokla" Oh God he totally killed my confidence. The engine didn't die, but obv. my confidence did. |:

Was so glad when it was over and done with. Before I attempted to leave the car to run for my life, he goes "test minggu depan, camana nak pass ni? Bawak pun tak betul. Haih, mesti kandas nanti". Duuuuude. Way to demotivate me and kill my hopes of passing.

*le sigh* maybe if he wasn't talking so much I could've actually concentrated on driving instead of trying to listen to what he was saying. Or maybe I am just that bad of a driver xD I just felt like shouting back at him; "MY GRANDMOTHER FREAKING DIED LAST WEEK, TU YANG TAK KENA. ORANG DUK SEDIH TAU TAK? SEDIH!"

Ranting postt. blablabla.

So yeah, that's two disappointing Thursdays down. Today I found out that our SPM results are coming out on 11th March, which is next Thursday.

Oh Dear God.