How...

How can she say that...? How can she say that she's just doing what i've been doing to her all this while, and that she's finally doing what she wants instead of having to please everybody.

Is it my fault as a daughter...? Is it true that I don't respond to her when she tries to talk to me, that I pull out my phone at the dinner table, that I am emotionally unavailable when she needs me?

I thought I was doing a good job...

Tonight...

I felt it. At 1 am. I felt. I heard the sound of slight rain, and while I was on my laptop, I felt and saw a shadow pass by. Wallahualam.

But due to my own weakness and stupidity, I missed it. I ignored the signs. I missed my chance. Lailatul Qadr, I may never get another.

Forgive me, ya Allah SWT.

Simply Islam.

It's quite rare for me to do a post like this, considering very few read my blog (and by very few, I mean only Amelia and Onion, lol.) and the majority (all) of my readers are non-muslim. But that's okay, because i'm a reader of my own blog, so this also serves as a reminder for me.

I think a lot of people have this impression that Islam is a very complicated religion, with lots of rules regulations. Fact is, if it wasn't, would you believe it? Of course Islam has a lot of rules and regulations, it has to cover a wide range of topics, because after all, it's religion. And what kind of religion would it be if it couldn't help you with life? If it couldn't give you answers and guide you in situations?

Anyway, let's push that aside. As always, it's only as complicated as you want it to be. Fact is, a Muslim really only has to do 5 things in their entire life:

1) Pronounce syahadah.

2) Pray the compulsary 5 prayers every day.

3) Fast during Ramadhan.

4) Pay zakat.

5) Pilgrimage to Mecca.

Only these 5 things, and you're set. Besides of course being an overall good person. It's that simple.

12th day

There's something I find I have to keep reminding myself over and over again, and that is to stop trying to impress people.

I feel like almost everyday I have to prove myself to someone, that I have to do something that's gonna make people go "wow" and "omg that's awesome!", and that their excitement or approval will bring me happiness and self-satisfaction.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I actually do anything impressive. On the contrary, I do the exact opposite, and spend my days lazing around and spacing out. It's actually hard for me to even concentrate on a thought for more than 5 minutes nowadays. If you asked my family, they'd tell you i've been relaxing and getting a good rest.

At the end of the day though, I still feel tired, rejected, restless, unsatisfied, and ultimately, pathetic. It's weird that i'd feel this way, because I actually WANT to relax, I WANT to take a break and I WANT to get a good rest. I feel I deserve to after a long hard year in matriculation. But the sad fact is that I still hold on to that need to impress people, so I end up constantly worrying if i'm doing enough or not.

And what happens? I waste time. I only have less than a month away before resuming my studies, and I felt like I haven't done anything in the past few months, whether it's doing something impressive, or getting a nice long break for myself.

Anyway, the point is, you shouldn't feel like you have to impress anyone. The only one you should really try to impress is God, and even He says it's okay if you feel tired and need a break. You should only do something if it's what you want, and no, wanting to impress people because you think their approval is what you REALLY want, doesn't count. Actually i've even stopped reading novels for almost a year now because there was no point to it. Everytime I picked up a book it always felt like I was doing it just to show off that I read thick-ass books that contain deep and thought-provoking subjects, and not just because I really wanted to read a good book.

So to conclude: don't force yourself. Do something because you want to, you feel it's right, and you're happy to do it. Pray because you want to thank and feel connected to Him, not because you are scared people will judge you. Study because you wanna learn something and understand the wonders of it, not because if you don't, someone will get a higher score than you. And live happily, cause you don't wanna be that sad, jealous person that sits in the corner of a room wishing things were better. Honestly, there's someone out there jealous of you.

#2

Greeted every morning with a smile or a silly face. Or a combo. "Good morning beautiful".

Normally i'd grunt and turn away from the laptop light, and go back to sleep. Lol.

#1

 

I wish I look like this when I sleep. Unfortunately, I usually have my mouth wide open (for catching flies), arms and legs spread out over the bed, and a little drool  (little = lot ) to compliment. Not a sight for the weak-hearted.

Good thing he's seen all this, and he's cool with it.

It's been a hectic week...in my mind.

As usual, my brain feels like it's cluttered with all these "to-do's" and I feel like i'm sinking in them. I also know it's my fault for not being organized in the first place, fact is i'm too lazy to. I could start with actually cleaning my room, because half of it is cluttered with stuff that have their rightful place, i'm just not putting it there. I put it on the floor. In addition to that, I have Sugar's new cage also taking up space. Thinking about finally returning USM their office chair and disassembling that table, so I can have the cage next to my bed.

I have posts coming up about my family holiday to Singapore, and about Sugar! My new baby. (It does feel that way) Hopefully after i've settled all the paperwork for JPA scholarship which I probably won't get cause it's obvious my family can afford my tuition, and USM, I can start on those posts.

Truthfully, I feel like we no longer have time to have heart-to-heart talks. So I decided that this blog will be the only way to let you guys know how i've been. No matter how silly, I will try my best to write it here, because now that the link's changed, I don't have to worry about family reading this haha. (To be safe though, if you are reading this, don't tell me).

Negativity.

Alright, i'll admit it. My holidays aren't going as well and as fun as I thought it'd be. Sure, I got 4 months off. Also means 4 months of free time. It's my own fault for not planning properly. I kept using the excuse that my parents are busy and I can't go anywhere without them. Total bull, I should be old enough to travel on my own. Lol, should be. Truth is I don't even trust myself. I get lost easily, I'm not "street smart". I get nervous around certain people and I don't have enough will power to put myself in any of these conditions. So for the past 2 1/2 months, i've been staying at home a lot, more than recommended. I have cabin fever.

At this moment, currently, i'm feeling very stressed out. My baby sugar glider is acting a bit strangely, that is she's sleeping in weird places in her cage and refuses to sleep in her pouch or house. I have been staying up till 7 am every night for the past week to play with her and for bonding time. Unfortunately the only time she decides to wake up and play is when I usually skype with Allen, so the schedule clashes. I end up not being able to pay attention to both parties. I'm also worried because it's pretty obvious I haven't done enough research before getting her. I haven't found a good vet for her, haven't bought her the proper supplements and vitamins. I need to go to a proper pet store but there aren't any in seberang, as far as I know. Should really start picking up the courage to drive :/ but parents take the car to work. Up till now i'm still not sure if the car is mine, lol.

*sigh* and because i've been sleeping at 7 am every morning, I wake up at 1-2 pm. Today I woke up close to 3 pm. With half the day gone, and horrible sleep because of the hot weather, I'm not exactly pumped up for activities. I also have to feed the cats, clean the house, do laundry if possible. My parents come home around 7 pm. We go out for dinner, they shower and continue with work (yeah my house is now their second office) and then go to bed. I usually get really exhausted by 10 pm, and wake back up close to midnight, right before my parents go to bed.

Worrying about uni is also another matter. I've accepted the offer to USM, after a period of arguing and lots of crying (on my part, anyway) with my mum. Apparently i'm not good enough for anything else. A CGPA of 4.00 doesn't do much. I screwed up with my spm and I don't deserve anywhere else.
And about my living arrangements in USM. Can I take my glider there? I've always been planning to hide it but what if the warden does constant check-ups? And can I really take her to classes? She's still young and untrained. I'm also worried about choosing such a far dorm from my building. Granted, all of the dorms are far from my faculty because my faculty's on the top of a hill -.-; but at least I could still walk. Of course living in the dorm outside, I will have the car and I can drive there, no problem. The problem is how am I going to find parking? And wouldn't it look a little snobbish for me to drive there? -.- as if my social problem isn't bad enough already. I wanted to ride a motorcycle instead, but my parents won't let me :/

Funny, I thought my parents (mum, especially) wanted me to go to USM so that it's easier for them to help me with anything. So far...eh, no comment. I know they want me to learn to be independent and handle myself. I just don't want them breathing on my neck every step of the way, which is probably how it's going to be since i'll be in USM with them and they'll have eyes everywhere, watching every mistake I make. Extra pressure, hooray! I don't mind making mistakes, I just don't want them judging every move I make...

July...well for those reading and knew what was supposed to happen in July, it's been postponed to late October. Second month in uni...idk how i'm going to handle it. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see him. I'm just really scared I can't keep up. He's already having a pretty hard time with his conditions at the moment, trying to make money and save it. It's been a while since I got to spend quality time with him, as he's always in college or a restaurant now to get wifi. I don't know what the plan is...it's always changing. I really want this to work but it's so complicated...

Well, that's about it I guess. As much as I'd like to reveal in public, anyway...
Until next time, taa, loves.

I miss youuuuuuuu!

I miss meeting you guys in school :( spending 8 hours a day together was fun xD not having to worry about who to tumpang back after queensbay or if someone has other plans and can't make it. Now we barely get to see each other. I think I haven't talked to Rachel in months D: and Krystal! But for some reason sabs, melia and kelly look less unreachable cause they have their blogs and fb etc. xD I can stalk them everyday!

*sigh* Point: I miss those days. But I know we haven't forgotten each other. :D Loveee!

 

This pic was made and used for my matriks I.T. assignment once xD labelled under 'Friends'. ♥

._.

I will stay loyal to this blog. I WILL! While the idea of having a tumblr of my own is tempting, I know i'll eventually abandon this blog, and then eventually tumblr, like how I abandon everything else. I can't erase this blog though, it's chock full of memories.

I'll go hunting for some nice templates, then I'll work on restarting this blog again. Cheers!

We all have that fear sometimes. Do our parents really love us?

Homg.

How am I going to redesign the blog >_>; wtf I forgot how.