12th day

There's something I find I have to keep reminding myself over and over again, and that is to stop trying to impress people.

I feel like almost everyday I have to prove myself to someone, that I have to do something that's gonna make people go "wow" and "omg that's awesome!", and that their excitement or approval will bring me happiness and self-satisfaction.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I actually do anything impressive. On the contrary, I do the exact opposite, and spend my days lazing around and spacing out. It's actually hard for me to even concentrate on a thought for more than 5 minutes nowadays. If you asked my family, they'd tell you i've been relaxing and getting a good rest.

At the end of the day though, I still feel tired, rejected, restless, unsatisfied, and ultimately, pathetic. It's weird that i'd feel this way, because I actually WANT to relax, I WANT to take a break and I WANT to get a good rest. I feel I deserve to after a long hard year in matriculation. But the sad fact is that I still hold on to that need to impress people, so I end up constantly worrying if i'm doing enough or not.

And what happens? I waste time. I only have less than a month away before resuming my studies, and I felt like I haven't done anything in the past few months, whether it's doing something impressive, or getting a nice long break for myself.

Anyway, the point is, you shouldn't feel like you have to impress anyone. The only one you should really try to impress is God, and even He says it's okay if you feel tired and need a break. You should only do something if it's what you want, and no, wanting to impress people because you think their approval is what you REALLY want, doesn't count. Actually i've even stopped reading novels for almost a year now because there was no point to it. Everytime I picked up a book it always felt like I was doing it just to show off that I read thick-ass books that contain deep and thought-provoking subjects, and not just because I really wanted to read a good book.

So to conclude: don't force yourself. Do something because you want to, you feel it's right, and you're happy to do it. Pray because you want to thank and feel connected to Him, not because you are scared people will judge you. Study because you wanna learn something and understand the wonders of it, not because if you don't, someone will get a higher score than you. And live happily, cause you don't wanna be that sad, jealous person that sits in the corner of a room wishing things were better. Honestly, there's someone out there jealous of you.