How...

How can she say that...? How can she say that she's just doing what i've been doing to her all this while, and that she's finally doing what she wants instead of having to please everybody.

Is it my fault as a daughter...? Is it true that I don't respond to her when she tries to talk to me, that I pull out my phone at the dinner table, that I am emotionally unavailable when she needs me?

I thought I was doing a good job...

Tonight...

I felt it. At 1 am. I felt. I heard the sound of slight rain, and while I was on my laptop, I felt and saw a shadow pass by. Wallahualam.

But due to my own weakness and stupidity, I missed it. I ignored the signs. I missed my chance. Lailatul Qadr, I may never get another.

Forgive me, ya Allah SWT.

Simply Islam.

It's quite rare for me to do a post like this, considering very few read my blog (and by very few, I mean only Amelia and Onion, lol.) and the majority (all) of my readers are non-muslim. But that's okay, because i'm a reader of my own blog, so this also serves as a reminder for me.

I think a lot of people have this impression that Islam is a very complicated religion, with lots of rules regulations. Fact is, if it wasn't, would you believe it? Of course Islam has a lot of rules and regulations, it has to cover a wide range of topics, because after all, it's religion. And what kind of religion would it be if it couldn't help you with life? If it couldn't give you answers and guide you in situations?

Anyway, let's push that aside. As always, it's only as complicated as you want it to be. Fact is, a Muslim really only has to do 5 things in their entire life:

1) Pronounce syahadah.

2) Pray the compulsary 5 prayers every day.

3) Fast during Ramadhan.

4) Pay zakat.

5) Pilgrimage to Mecca.

Only these 5 things, and you're set. Besides of course being an overall good person. It's that simple.

12th day

There's something I find I have to keep reminding myself over and over again, and that is to stop trying to impress people.

I feel like almost everyday I have to prove myself to someone, that I have to do something that's gonna make people go "wow" and "omg that's awesome!", and that their excitement or approval will bring me happiness and self-satisfaction.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I actually do anything impressive. On the contrary, I do the exact opposite, and spend my days lazing around and spacing out. It's actually hard for me to even concentrate on a thought for more than 5 minutes nowadays. If you asked my family, they'd tell you i've been relaxing and getting a good rest.

At the end of the day though, I still feel tired, rejected, restless, unsatisfied, and ultimately, pathetic. It's weird that i'd feel this way, because I actually WANT to relax, I WANT to take a break and I WANT to get a good rest. I feel I deserve to after a long hard year in matriculation. But the sad fact is that I still hold on to that need to impress people, so I end up constantly worrying if i'm doing enough or not.

And what happens? I waste time. I only have less than a month away before resuming my studies, and I felt like I haven't done anything in the past few months, whether it's doing something impressive, or getting a nice long break for myself.

Anyway, the point is, you shouldn't feel like you have to impress anyone. The only one you should really try to impress is God, and even He says it's okay if you feel tired and need a break. You should only do something if it's what you want, and no, wanting to impress people because you think their approval is what you REALLY want, doesn't count. Actually i've even stopped reading novels for almost a year now because there was no point to it. Everytime I picked up a book it always felt like I was doing it just to show off that I read thick-ass books that contain deep and thought-provoking subjects, and not just because I really wanted to read a good book.

So to conclude: don't force yourself. Do something because you want to, you feel it's right, and you're happy to do it. Pray because you want to thank and feel connected to Him, not because you are scared people will judge you. Study because you wanna learn something and understand the wonders of it, not because if you don't, someone will get a higher score than you. And live happily, cause you don't wanna be that sad, jealous person that sits in the corner of a room wishing things were better. Honestly, there's someone out there jealous of you.

#2

Greeted every morning with a smile or a silly face. Or a combo. "Good morning beautiful".

Normally i'd grunt and turn away from the laptop light, and go back to sleep. Lol.

#1

 

I wish I look like this when I sleep. Unfortunately, I usually have my mouth wide open (for catching flies), arms and legs spread out over the bed, and a little drool  (little = lot ) to compliment. Not a sight for the weak-hearted.

Good thing he's seen all this, and he's cool with it.

It's been a hectic week...in my mind.

As usual, my brain feels like it's cluttered with all these "to-do's" and I feel like i'm sinking in them. I also know it's my fault for not being organized in the first place, fact is i'm too lazy to. I could start with actually cleaning my room, because half of it is cluttered with stuff that have their rightful place, i'm just not putting it there. I put it on the floor. In addition to that, I have Sugar's new cage also taking up space. Thinking about finally returning USM their office chair and disassembling that table, so I can have the cage next to my bed.

I have posts coming up about my family holiday to Singapore, and about Sugar! My new baby. (It does feel that way) Hopefully after i've settled all the paperwork for JPA scholarship which I probably won't get cause it's obvious my family can afford my tuition, and USM, I can start on those posts.

Truthfully, I feel like we no longer have time to have heart-to-heart talks. So I decided that this blog will be the only way to let you guys know how i've been. No matter how silly, I will try my best to write it here, because now that the link's changed, I don't have to worry about family reading this haha. (To be safe though, if you are reading this, don't tell me).