What's distracting me? - Part 2

Here we are, part 2. I divided this topic into a few posts because I need some thinking time in between, and I need to have that feeling of achievement, so I click 'Publish Post' everytime I finish a part.

Heh, feel. What is to feel, really? Isn't even feeling something considered non-scientific? To believe in something that does not exist? So when a scientist feels achievement and success in discovering something new...is that a really scientific thing to do?

It's just so complicated, isn't it? I wonder if anyone is surprised at the sudden turn of genre my posts have become. From school events and wondrous happy occasions to...thoughts of life and religion? I have to keep typing or else I'll forget everything. What did you think when you read the previous post? Were one of your thoughts along the line of..."traitor, why do you question things that are good for you? Why do you question Allah and the Quran?" or..."Oi, why are you thinking about this nonsense? SPM is near" or..."That's because you're a FOOL".

I'll tell you why i'm talking about this. It's because this is what's distracting me.

I don't know how many of you actually listened to what the motivator had to say today, or how many even came to school for the talk, even. But I did (because lol, I had to sit right in front of him and that actually made me concentrate on what he was saying. Was initially planning to sleep or read throughout the talk) and he said something about how distractions will take you away from the main goal. Of course, he was talking about tv, sms, internet. Y'know the drill. Basic stuff. But he was also talking about issues, things that bothered the mind, because in the end how you choose to use your mind and what state it is in is what determines your attitude in facing your exams. So I wondered what was distracting me? And it struck me that this was it.

I have no one to talk to about this besides googling stuff on the internet (which I admit does not really make my actions sound very logical, but bare with me).

What I tell you is based on personal experience alone. Do not judge me, because I am only searching and asking questions. I am only dealing with what I have to deal so that I too can face the exam with a...satisfied mind. :)

So what did it feel like, living without God, or the idea of God, even, for 5 days?

I will admit. It was horrible.

I know i've always joked/talked about how i'm emotionless, but for once, I really did feel emotionless. Every laughter felt empty, every heavy heart felt fake. Cause I kept thinking that I was causing myself to do it. What's the fun in that? Okay, imagine that you are having a birthday, and you consider it a special ocassion, so you throw yourself your own birthday party and buy yourself gifts you always wanted. You are now, happy.

But it doesn't feel right doesn't it? Birthdays are a celebration of when you entered this world, celebrating why you should have, why it's such a good thing, because you've made others feel happy, because you've affected others so much, that they're celebrating it with you. It's what others have made you felt. It's how others can too, make you happy because you've made them happy.

So, apply that concept to the controlling of emotions. What's the fun in knowing that you've caused those emotions yourself, and not the people/things around you? Where is the magic, as I will call it, in realizing that you can be as happy as you want or as sad as you want, without the need of anyone/anything else? What's better, looking at a flower and feeling happy because it's so pretty, or looking at a flower and feeling happy because you choose to because you think it's pretty?

Did you feel the loss of magic when you read that?